I seriously don't know how long it will take for me to finish this damn degree. So much pressure. Feels like I have been at UNI all my life.
Previous plans when I was at high school of when I would expect to finish my degree and what age I would be able to get a full time job... a career... have failed BIG TIME and that time was suppose to be NOW!
I had planned that by the age of 23 I would be settled in to a great job (preferably something to do in the field of Law) and earning that money to help out my family. But as it turns out, not everything goes as planned. So here I am, sitting in front of a computer writing this blog instead of finishing my essay which was dued 4pm today (it is now 10.26pm)
I don't know what has changed... well I do (ALOT HAS) I just don't like to overthink it. The more I think about how I could have had everything I had hoped for by now, the more I start to stress out. Trust me, it has gotten to the point where I am avoiding FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM so that I don't have to read about the Congratulations posts about everyone graduating and those that graduated today. I am officially jealous!
Today I felt so depressed that I ate a whole box of pizza and just lazied around at the library daydreaming of how that could have been me today. BUT... I guess it wasnt meant to be and this is not my time YET to graduate or perhaps I wasnt meant to graduate at all. The thought of giving up and letting my parents down haunts me every day... thats the main reason why I am still at uni. Trying to finish something I started. AND I did promise my parents I can do it... I can graduate from university.
Sometimes I hate the thought of having to live up to standards... family standards, friends standards and society's expectations. To get a degree and find a good job, travel the world, get married have kids and live life happily ever after. But I guess its that standard that keeps us going and gets us out of bed each day. How are we to survive if we do not have that extra edge for the big guys to look for. Sure enough I can get a job at the local factory to pay for my rent and gas and maybe a box of smirnoffs in the weekend BUT when that factory runs out of demand from outside clients where and who am I gonna turn to if I don't have any qualifications? ... <<< oh oops did I tell you that I like to talk and go off topic sometimes?
Anyways, so before this semester started, I had checked online when my expected time to finish my degree would be and it said one more semester. Me being the excited person that I am thought it be I will finish uni by next semester GREAT!. Went home and told my parents and they were excited too. So I went to get a breakdown of my courses from our Student Services and one of the people that served me said the expected time to finish will be after 2 more semesters which means I will be graduating in 2015. WTF??? OK
... so I haven't talked to my parents yet. Stuff these minor courses that I didn't even bother to take earlier thinking they weren't important. Really kicking myself right now in the nuts (if I was a dude) So moral of the story. Never get over excited and don't ever waste time and never EVER EVER EVER be a FIAPOKO!
Anyways, so I have been trying to stay positive lately (in the last 3 hours)... and it only lasts a certain time until I start to daydream again and all i dream about is me walking down queen street with my gown on my way to get my degree at Aotea Square walking proudly across that stage. That's all I ever want to do and I cannot wait to do it ASAP. I guess its good that I should be grateful that I am almost there and NOW is not the time to give up. Just need to stay motivated and stay focused. I just want to make my family happy. At the end of the day, I am thinking that I will do my best and leave the rest up to God. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have a good feeling that my time has not yet come. Time to smile again. He will provide ! :)
The thing that really bums me out the most is that at high school I had high expectations of myself and alot of people i know had high hopes for me. I thought uni was easy peacy for me... don't get me wrong... if I hadn't had a few mishaps on the way I would have already graduated by now. But life has a funny way of teaching you lessons. I went from being the geek in high school that could have easily got a degree to a ... well to be honest... NOBRAIN NOBODY! All I seem to be good at these days is being a good friend to people who would only like me for that one time I help them and so on... I have met alot of people since I started uni and some of them I have not seen since but when it comes down to it there are only 2 people that have come and stayed in my life apart from my family. I am forever grateful to them. They do not judge me for my decisions, good or bad and have always been there to cheer me up no matter what. (Names suppressed for obvious reasons) too many faikalas on here. But see how I just went off topic again?
I looked up "how to write good blogs for dummies" and it suggested that I write how I would talk normally and all this jibber jabber are all from the top of my head. Anyways if only I could write my essay as fast as how I just wrote this blog, I would be an essay writing genius (content of work to be checked first though)
Well I better get back to my essay. Hopefully I have motivated myself enough to get back in to it.
Happy reading. Now you know... life as a Sina is not as perfect as it seems.
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